Queen Of FoneSex.Net

Hey there - thanks for stopping by. I post here as much as I can. If you have any questions about the posts or anything else, feel free to e-mail me at Lilley@fonesex.net! Please take the time to read past and current posts, so you get a better feel of what's here. Or You can see more of me at www.fonesex.net!

Friday, August 11, 2006

Thank you Matt!

I love my new sued boots!
Love,
Lilley

The Real Lilley, 8/11/2006 05:22:00 PM | link |

Thank You David!

I reieved the "bikini grab bag" That your ordered for my birthday! I LOVE IT! Five TINY bikinis! I will send you the pictures ASAP :)
Love,
Lilley

The Real Lilley, 8/11/2006 09:36:00 AM | link |

Sunday, July 30, 2006

Strangers in the Night



 

 

Strangers in the night

A man and a woman who had never met before, but were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly--he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am,  I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.

"Good," she replied. "Get your own f@#$%&9 blanket."

After a moment of silence, he farted.




The Real Lilley, 7/30/2006 02:43:00 PM | link |

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

I needed to share this

The Parable of the Spoons
>>>
>>>   A holy man was having a conversation with the Lord one day and
>>>said, "Lord, I would like to know what Heaven and Hell are like.
>>>"The Lord led the holy man to two doors. He opened one of the
>>>doors and the holy man looked in. In the middle of the room was a
>>>large round table. In the middle of the table was a large pot of
>>>stew which smelled delicious and made the holy man's mouth water.
>>>The people sitting around the table were thin and sickly.  They
>>>appeared to be famished. They were holding spoons with very long
>>>handles that were strapped to their arms and each found it
>>>possible to reach into the pot of stew and take a spoonful, but
>>>because the handle was longer than their arms, they could not get
>>>the spoons back into their mouths.
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>    The holy man shuddered at the sight of their misery and
>>>suffering. The Lord said, "You have seen Hell." They went to the
>>>next room and opened the door. It was exactly the same as the
>>>first one. There was the large round table with the large pot of
>>>stew which made the holy man's mouth water. The people were
>>>equipped with the same long-handled spoons, but here the people
>>>were well nourished and plump, laughing and talking.
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>   The holy man said, "I don't understand." It is simple" said the
>>>Lord, "it requires but one skill. You see, they have learned to
>>>feed each other. While the greedy think only of themselves. "A
>>>friend is someone who reaches for your hand, and touches your
>>>heart." "People say true friends must always hold hands, but true
>>>friends don't need to hold hands because they know the other hand
>>>will always be there...." ---Unknown
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>

The Real Lilley, 7/19/2006 06:47:00 AM | link |

Monday, July 17, 2006

another from a friend

Why females should avoid a girls night out after they are married!  My friend conveyed the following story:

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls. " I
told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!" Well, the
hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy.
 
Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing
my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was
really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in
order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed...3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT!)
 
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him
"Midnight". He didn't seem pissed off at all. Whew! Got away with that
one! Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked him
why?, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said,
"Oh. SHIT ", cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed
another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over
the coffee table and farted."
 
The Real Lilley, 7/17/2006 05:30:00 PM | link |

walnuts to coconuts

A traveling salesman visits a small town in the Midwest and sees a circus banner reading, "Don't Miss the Amazing Goldstein!" Curious, he buys a ticket.

The tent goes dark.  Suddenly, trumpets blare and all eyes turn to the center ring.  There, spotlit in the middle is a table with three walnuts on it.  Standing next to it is an old Jewish man.

Suddenly the old man unzips his pants, whips out a huge shlong, and smashes all three walnuts with three mighty swings!

The crowd erupts in applause as the elderly Goldstein is carried off on the shoulders of the clowns.

Ten years later the salesman visits the same little town and he sees a faded sign for the same circus and the same "Don't Miss the Amazing Goldstein!"

He can't believe the old guy is still alive much less still doing 
his act, so he buys a ticket.  Again, the center ring is illuminated.
This time, instead of walnuts, three coconuts are on the table.
Goldstein stands before them, then suddenly unzips his fly and 
smashes the coconuts with three swings of his amazing shlong.
The crowd goes wild!

Flabbergasted, the salesman requests a meeting with him after the show.  "You're incredible," he tells Goldstein. "But I have to know something.
You're older now. Why switch from walnuts to coconuts?"

"Vell," says Goldstein, "My eyes aren't what they used to be."
The Real Lilley, 7/17/2006 05:27:00 PM | link |

got this from a friend


 

 AND THEY VOTE..

Some guy bought a new  fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge,
he put it in his front yard  and hung a sign on it saying:
"Free to good home.You want it, you take it".
For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it.  He eventually decided that people were too untrusting of this deal.
It looked to good to be true,so he changed the sign to read:
"Fridge for sale $50". The next day someone stole it.

Caution ...These people   Vote

While looking at a house,my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north,because he didn't wa! nt the sun waking him up every morning.
She asked, "Does the sun rise in the North?"
When my brother explained that the sun rises in the East, and has for sometime,  she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff."

She  ALSO votes!

I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a
call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week."
He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?"
Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific" . . . . . . . .

He ALSO votes!

My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard
one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the shore. She drove down in a convertible, but "didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving". . . .

.She ALSO votes


My sister has a lifesaving tool designed to cut through a seatbelt if she gets trapped.She keeps it in the trunk of her car.

My sister ALSO votes

My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2
times 10% and gave us a 20% discount. 

He ALSO votes!

I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a  woman with a nose ring
attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said,"Wouldn't the chain rip
out every time she turned her head?" I explained that a  person's nose and
ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the  head is turned.

My friend ALSO votes!

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She
smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was  in good hands.
"Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet? "

SHE ALSO votes!

While working at a Pizza Parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go.
He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. "Just cut it into
4 pieces; I don't think  I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.

Yep, he votes  too.

And they walk among us, and  reproduce.........

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Real Lilley, 7/17/2006 05:20:00 PM | link |

stolen car?



 

Police aren't perfect, but this cop comes close to
 winning the ingenuity award.

 A driver did the right thing, stopping at the school crosswalk
 even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating
 through the intersection.

 The tailgating woman behind him went ballistic, pounding on
 her horn and screaming in frustration as she missed her chance
 to drive through the intersection with him.  Still in mid-rant, she
heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of  a very
 serious police officer.
 The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.  He took
 her to the police station where she was searched, finger-printed,
 photographed and placed in a cell.
 After a couple of hours, a policeman approached to the cell and
 opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk
 where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.
  
He said, "I'm awfully sorry for this mistake.  You see, as I pulled up
 behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping the guy
 off in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him, that I noticed
  the "What Would Jesus Do" license plate holder, the "Follow me to
Sunday School" bumper sticker, the chrome plated Christian fish
 emblem on the trunk and the "My Boss is a Jewish Carpenter" decal
 on your back window...Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Real Lilley, 7/17/2006 04:57:00 PM | link |

Thursday, July 13, 2006

girl jokes :)

Dear Kotex, 

I recently noticed that the peel-off strip of my pantiliner had a bunch of  "Kotex Tips for Life" on it. Annoying advice such as:-Staying active  during your period can relieve cramps.-Avoiding caffeine may help reduce  cramps and headaches.-Drink 6-8 glasses of water a day to keep you hydrated and feeling fresh.Try Kotex blah blah blah other products.  Obviously the person behind this was someone who has never possessed a functioning set of ovaries.

Go ahead and  tell a menstruating woman TO HER FACE that   drinking 6-8 glasses of water will help keep her feeling fresh. See what happens and report back. I'll wait. While you're at it, dump out the coffee at work  and remove the chocolate from the vending machine. I guarandamntee that  the first responders will be females who just ovulated. Look, females don't need or want tips for living printed on the damn feminine hygiene products. Younger girls are already hearing "helpful"crap like that from their elderly relatives.  Veteran females have already concocted their own recipes for survival, many of them containing alcohol.

Printing out shit advice while sneaking in ads for the brand THAT WE HAVE ALREADY PURCHASED is just plain annoying,  not to mention rude and enough to send any female running to the Always  brand. Mostly we'd like to forget that we even need these products.
It's not a fun time, but DO NOT try to cheer us up by adding smiley faces or bunnies or flowery cutesy crap to  your products or the packaging. Put the shit in a plain brown wrapper so we can throw it in our carts discreetly and have it blend in among the wine and beer. There is nothing more annoying than  having a blinding pink package announcing your uterine state to everyone  in the store.
The ultimate goal of your product should be  functional invisibility at every stage, including at the  point of purchase. So take your tips for living and shove them right up  your ass.
(Try drinking six to eight glasses of water to  make you feel fresher while you're doing it!)


Ovarily  Yours,

 
 
RAISING BOYS
The following came from an anonymous Mother in Austin, Texas...

Things I've learned from my Boys (honest and not kidding):
1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.
2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
3.) A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.
5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7.) When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's already too late
8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9.) A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
10.) Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old Boy.
11.) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
12.) Super glue is forever.
13.) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
14.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15.) VCR's do not eject "PB &J" sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
16.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.
19.) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.
20.) The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.
21.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
22.) It will, however, make cats dizzy.
23.) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
24.) 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.
Those who pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without boys do it because:
a) For those with no children - this is totally hysterical!
b) For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious.
c) For those who have children this age, this is not funny.
d) For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.
e) For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.

The Real Lilley, 7/13/2006 08:17:00 AM | link |

me in 50 years?

GOTTA LOVE HER!
 
Sunday's sermon was entitled "Forgive Your Enemies."
Toward the end of the service, the minister asked,
"How many of you have forgiven your enemies?" 
 
About 80 percent of them held up their hands.
 
The minister then repeated his question.  All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.
"Mrs. Jones? Are you not willing to forgive your
enemies?"

"I don't have any." She replied, smiling sweetly.
"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"

"Ninety-eight," she replied.
"Mrs. Jones, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live 98 years and not have an enemy in the world?"

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said,"I outlived the bitches."
 



The Real Lilley, 7/13/2006 08:13:00 AM | link |

Monday, July 10, 2006

Don't need you?


I got a chuckle out of this, My grandfather sent it to me.
-----
God is sitting in Heaven when a scientist says to Him, "Lord, we don't need You anymore. Science has finally figured out a way to create life out of Nothing. In other words, we can now do what You
did in the 'beginning'."
"Oh, is that so? Tell me..." replies God.

"Well," says the scientist, "we can take dirt and form it into the Likeness of You and breathe life into it, thus creating man."
"Well, that's interesting. Show Me."
So the scientist bends down to the earth and starts to mold the soil.
"Oh no, no, no..." interrupts God, (I love this! ) "Get your own dirt."
The Real Lilley, 7/10/2006 05:37:00 PM | link |

a few funnies

GEORGE CARLIN'S NEW RULES 2006

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for
classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to
people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly
like them! Besides, I already know what the captain
of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out
a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting
all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of
Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What
did you expect it to contain? Trout?

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex
with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently
damaged. I have a better description for these kids:
"lucky bastards."

New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect
baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the
cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown
man, they're pictures of men.

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's
how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two
of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water.
There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket,
water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but
flavored water is called a soft drink. You want
flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it
melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is
introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square,
with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom.
And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it,
his butt will be in the morgue. Congratulations,
Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order,
the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks
and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced
vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra
dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one
NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge hole.

New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up
from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing
"Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't
want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid
who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there
eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese
characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's
right above the crack of your ass. And it translates
to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did
anything spiritual, you were praying to God you
weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one
of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the
US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those
athletes at the poker table was just too damned
exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait.
They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra
hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies
based on crappy, old television shows, then you have
to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can
see what's playing on the other screens. Let's
remember the reason something was a television
show in the first place is that the idea wasn't
good enough to be a movie.

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used
to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new
homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the
stuff you want and having other people buy it for you
isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.
 
A West Texas cowboy was herding his herd in a remote pasture when suddenly a
brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young
man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out
the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and
calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his

peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it
to his AT&T cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he
calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his
location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area
in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital
photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in
Hamburg , Germany ..

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has
been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database
through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and
after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech,
miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy

and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the cowboy
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as
the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what
your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a Congressman for the U.S. government" says the cowboy.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though
nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a
question I never asked. You trie d to show me how much smarter than me you
are; and you don't know a thing about cows............. Now give me back my
dog."
 
BEER, FISHING, GOLF & SEX

                  A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

                  The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

                  "No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

                  "Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.

                  "No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

                  "Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.

                  "Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

                  "Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.

                  "What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.

                  "Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

                  The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

                  The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf, and sex."


The Real Lilley, 7/10/2006 06:46:00 AM | link |

Thursday, July 06, 2006

HB2me

http://www.wickedtemptations.com/w-grab1j1.html

My birthday is August 11th and this is what I want for it!

The Real Lilley, 7/06/2006 08:50:00 PM | link |

Tuesday, July 04, 2006

The Mistress of your dreams

Get your toys out. Put your panties on. Mistress Lilley is ready to
play with you. You know you have those panties hidden away somewhere, don't
you? You may have "borrowed" them from someone - your girlfriend or wife -
your sister, or maybe even your mom. You might have actually bought them for
yourself. But you have them. Get them out. Are they pink and girlie or
black and sultry? Do you wear them? Sniff them? Use them to stroke with?
Tell me, Mistress Lilley. I want to know all about it. Then get your
favorite toys out and get ready to enjoy yourself in ways you never
imagined. Pick up that phone and call me, Mistress Lilley. Go ahead, you
know you want to.

The Real Lilley, 7/04/2006 01:23:00 PM | link |

Sunday, July 02, 2006

Do You Have All The Answers?

1. Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you undress?

2. If a person owns a piece of land, do they own it all the way down to the center of the earth?

3. Why can't woman put their mascara on with their mouth closed?

4. Why is it called alcoholics anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say
"hi, my name's Bob. I'm an alcoholic"?

5. If you mated a Bulldog with a Shitsu would you get a Bullshit?

6. Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

7. Why is there a light in the fridge but not in the freezer?

8. Why does mineral water that has trickled through mountains for centuries
have a use by date?

9. Why do toasters always have a setting on them which burns your toast to a
horrible crisp no one would eat?

10. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say "I think i'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink what comes out"?

11. What do people in China call their good plates?

12. If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

13. Why does Goofy stand on two legs when Pluto remains on four? They're both dogs.

14. What do you call male ballerinas?

15. Can blind people see their dreams and do they dream?

16. If Wile E coyote has enough money to by all that Acme crap why doesn't he buy his dinner?

17. Why is a person who handles money called a broker?

18. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

19. If corn oil is made from corn and vegetable oil is made from vegetables. What is baby oil made from?

20. If a man is walking in a forest and no women is there to hear him is he still wrong?

21. Why is it that when someone tells you that there's billions of stars in the universe,
you believe them. But if they tell you there's wet paint somewhere you have to touch it?

22. Why do you call it an asteroid when its outside the hemisphere, yet call it hemorrhoid when its in your ass?

23. Did you ever notice that if you blow in a dogs face it goes mad, yet when you take him on a car ride he sticks his head straight out the window?
The Real Lilley, 7/02/2006 05:15:00 AM | link |

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

blonde

 
 
One day, a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead were all driving in a car when the car crashed. Minutes later they appeared up in heaven.
God says to them "Ahead are 100 stairs, at each stair you will be told a joke, if you laugh you will take the one way train to Hell, if you remain silent, you will continue on. If you make it to the top, you will stay in Heaven."
So the brunette started up the stairs. At the 55th stair she laughed, and was sent abroad the train to hell.
The redhead started to climb but laughed at the 79th stair and got on the train to Hell.
The blonde started up and made it to the 100th stair. She paused, then began laughing non stop. Shocked, God asked her why she had laughed. Still laughing she replied, "I finally got the first joke!"
The Real Lilley, 6/28/2006 10:09:00 AM | link |

The BUZZARD, BAT AND BUMBLEBEE

>-----THE BUZZARD, BAT AND BUMBLEBEE

> >

> >BUZZARD

> >If you put a buzzard in a pen that is 6 feet by 8 feet and is

> >entirely open at the top, the bird, in spite of its ability to fly,

> >will be an absolute prisoner.  The reason is that a buzzard always

> >begins a flight from the ground with a run of 10 to 12 feet. Without

> >space to run, as is its habit, it will not even attempt to fly, but

> >will remain a prisoner for life in a small jail with no top.

> >

> >BAT

> >The ordinary bat that flies around at night, a remarkably nimble

> >creature in the air, cannot take off from a level place.   If it is

> >placed on the floor or flat ground, all it can do is shuffle about

> >helplessly and, no doubt,painfully, until it reaches some slight

> >elevation from which it can throw itself into the air. Then, at once,

> >it takes off like a flash.

> >

> >BUMBLEBEE

> >A bumblebee, if dropped into an open tumbler, will be there until it

> >dies, unless it is taken out.  It never sees the means of escape at

> >the top, but persists in trying to find some way out through the

> >sides near the bottom. It will seek a way where none exists, until it

> >completely destroys itself.

> >

> >PEOPLE

> >In many ways, we are like the buzzard, the bat, and the bumblebee. We

> >struggle about with all our problems and frustrations, never

> >realizing that all we have to do is look up.

>

 

The Real Lilley, 6/28/2006 09:22:00 AM | link |

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

A little more humor

Queen Elizabeth II was visiting one of New York's finest hospitals and during her tour of the wards she passed a room where one of the male patients was masturbating.

"Oh God," said the Queen, "that's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this?"

The doctor leading the tour explains, "I am sorry your Royal Highness, but this man has a very serious condition where his testicles fill up rapidly with semen. If he doesn't do what he is doing at least 5 times per day, he could swell up and he might die"

"Oh, I am sorry," said the Queen, "I was unaware that such a medical condition existed."

On the same floor they soon passed another room where a young, blonde nurse was performing oral sex on another patient.

"Oh my God," said the Queen, "What's happening here?"

The doctor replied, "Same problem, better health plan."






The Real Lilley, 6/27/2006 06:05:00 PM | link |

FREE PANTIES WITH EVERY CALL!


I found one hell of a sale on the cutest panties at VS today, so until I run out of them I will be mailing them out with each call. When you call, just stay on long enough to tell me where to send them and I will mail them out ASAP. You know you want them, so CUM and get them! You will get the ones that I am wearing when you call. If you want them wet and sticky, you will have to play with me :)
You can look just like Johnny!
Love,
Lilley

The Real Lilley, 6/27/2006 05:17:00 PM | link |

Monday, June 26, 2006

PLEASE HELP

Hey guys! Here's something you can do to help me out. I have been receiving
LOTS of e-mails as of late asking me WHERE you can call me. I need to know
what other companies you go to for phonesex. I have a few leads, but I want
to make sure that I go to a company that I can trust and can be trusted.
Please e-mail me at Lilley@fonesex.net with your suggestions.

The Real Lilley, 6/26/2006 12:24:00 PM | link |

Professor Wiichman



 
I Can Say What I Want, But Not You

My thoughts exactly.


Well, what do we have here. Looks like a small case of some people being able to dish it out, but not take it.  Let's start at the top.  The story begins at Michigan State University with a mechanical engineering
professor named Indrek Wichman.

Wichman sent an e-mail to the Muslim Student's Association.  The e-mail was in response to the students' protest of the Danish cartoons that portrayed the Prophet Muhammad as a terrorist.  The group had complained the cartoons were "hate speech." Enter Professor Wichman. In his e-mail, he said the following:

Dear Moslem Association: As a professor of Mechanical Engineering here at MSU I intend to protest your protest. I am offended not by cartoons, but by more mundane things like beheadings of civilians, cowardly attacks on public build ings, suicide murders, murders  of
Catholic priests (the latest in Turkey!), burnings of Christian churches,
the continued persecution of Coptic Christians in Egypt, the imposition of Sharia law on non-Muslims, the rapes of Scandinavian girls and women called "whores" in your culture), the murder of film directors in Holland, and the rioting and looting in Paris France.

This is what offends me, a soft-spoken person and academic, and many,
of my colleagues. I concider you dissatisfied, aggressive, brutal,  and
uncivilized slave-trading Moslems to be very aware of this as you proceed with your infantile "protests."

If you do not like the values of the West -- see the 1st Amendment -- you are free to leave.  I hope for God's sake that most of you choose that option.  Please return to your ancestral homelands and build them up yourselves instead of troubling Americans.

Cordially, I. S. Wichman, Professor of Mechanical Engineeri ng"


Well! As you can imagine, the Muslim group at the university didn't like
this too well. They're demanding Wichman be reprimanded and mandatory diversity training for faculty and a seminar on hate and discrimination for freshman. How nice. But now the Michigan chapter of CAIR has jumped into the fray.

CAIR, the Council on American-Islamic Relations, apparently doesn't
believe that the good professor had the right to express his opinion.

For its part, the university is standing its ground. They say the e-mail
was private, and they don't intend to publicly condemn his remarks. That will probably change. Wichman says he never intended the e-mail to be made public, and wouldn't have used the same strong language if he'd known it was going to get out.

How's the left going to handle this one? If you're in favor of the
freedom of speech, as in the case of Ward Churchill, will the same protections be demanded for Indrek Wichman? I doubt it. I' m sure it won't be long until the ACLU get's involved. Hey guys send this to everybody and ask them to do the same and tell them to keep passing it around till the whole country gets it. We are in a war to the bitter end.
 
The Real Lilley, 6/26/2006 08:47:00 AM | link |

FW: Farm kid writes home


**LETTER FROM A FARM KID,**** ***
***(NOW AT San Diego MARINE CORPS RECRUIT TRAINING.)**** **

*Dear Ma and Pa,**
**I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine
Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick
before all of the places are filled.** *

*I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m.
but I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do
before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop,
feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay.
Practically nothing.** *

*Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is
strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of
weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular
food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that
live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you til noon when you get fed
again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk
much.** *

*We go on "route marches," which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to
harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A
"route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home.
Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.** *

*The country is nice but awful flat The sergeant is like a school teacher.
He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels
just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.** *

*This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing I keep getting medals for
shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head
and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home.
All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even
load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.** *

*Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to
wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break
real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the
best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. I
only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6" and
130 pounds and he's 6'8" and near 300 pounds dry.** *

*Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get
onto this setup and come stampeding in.** *

*Your loving daughter,**
**Carol** *

The Real Lilley, 6/26/2006 07:50:00 AM | link |

Friday, June 23, 2006

FW: aunt karen

Aunt Karen...
 
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:
 
Have your parents tell you a story with a moral at the end. The next
day the kids came back and 1 by 1 began to tell their stories.
 
"Johnny, do you have a story to share?"
 
"Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Karen. She was a
pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over
enemy territory and all she had was a small  flask of whiskey, a
pistol and a survival knife.
 
She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then 
her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops. She
shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets,
killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she
killed  the last Iraqi with her bare hands."
 
"Good Heavens" said the horrified teacher. "What kind of moral did
your daddy tell you from this horrible story?"
Stay the fuck away from Aunt Karen when she's drinking."

 


The Real Lilley, 6/23/2006 09:59:00 AM | link |

Thursday, June 15, 2006

RE: Funny story

Thanks for this funny story. I will be sharing it with many.

Since I am just to hot for Niteflirt, you can now reach me at 1-877-447-8427
ext. 2945
Love,
Lilley
www.fonesex.net
-----Original Message-----
From: John
Sent: Wednesday, June 14, 2006 3:31 PM
To: Lilley
Subject: Funny story

Funny thing happened today and I thought you would find this humorous. I was
making some early copies for my first test, summers go just too fast, and a
woman I did not know walked into the copy room. She introduced herself and
said I am the new DOM. I obviously had a strange look on my face from that
comment. I said excuse me you are the new? She replied "Sorry I am the new
Department Office Manager." They use the abbreviation DOM for it. To say the
least it confused me a bit. Perhaps the manager is supposed to "whip" the
office into shape. I am not sure.
Anyway, I just thought it was funny.

Things are going well with the semester but I need to finish putting
together tomorrow's lecture. I am changing things a bit so I need to prepare
and want to look things over. Unfortunately I will actually have to look at
some notes and make a decision or 2. I will talk to you later.

The Real Lilley, 6/15/2006 08:29:00 AM | link |

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

For my body worship slaves - the tiniest of tributes

http://www.torrid.com/store/product.asp?LS=0&RN=212&ITEM=504324

The Real Lilley, 6/13/2006 01:05:00 AM | link |

Monday, June 12, 2006

funnies

  One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very
>sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."
>
>       So he tied her up and went golfing.
>
>       ***********************************************
>
>       A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran
>into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs,
>"Honey, pack your bags. I won the damn lottery!"
>
>       The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or
>mountain stuff?"
>
>       "Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get the hell out."
>
>       ***********************************************
>
>       Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and
>the other is a husband.
>
>       ***********************************************
>
>       A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
>First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him
>a card with the letters: 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' "Can you read this?"
>the optician asked.
>
>       "Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."
>
>       ************************************************
>       Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I
>must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."
>
>       "Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of
>chardonnay."
>
>       ************************************************
>
>       A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
>Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL!
>Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO
>MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are
>we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful ... CAREFUL! I
>said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn
>them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to
>salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE
>SALT! THE SALT!"
>
>       The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You
>think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
>
>       The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like
>when I m driving."
>
>       **************************************************
>       Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man,
>was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army
>issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
>
>       On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That
>afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
>
>       On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has
>been looking for Herman for 51 years.
The Real Lilley, 6/12/2006 07:40:00 AM | link |

Wednesday, June 07, 2006

Give me this, give me that

http://cgi.ebay.com/Sexy-flat-women-shoes-womens-sandals-S205-B-sz-9_W0QQite
mZ5304775152QQihZ006QQcategoryZ63889QQcmdZViewItem

The Real Lilley, 6/07/2006 04:54:00 AM | link |

More blue shoes

http://cgi.ebay.com/Sexy-dress-women-shoes-womens-sandals-9188-B-sz-9_W0QQit
emZ4152671837QQihZ006QQcategoryZ63889QQcmdZViewItem

The Real Lilley, 6/07/2006 04:54:00 AM | link |

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

Easy access

http://cgi.ebay.com/Sexy-Women-Blue-Heels-Slide-Sandals-Shoes-33831-B-sz-9_W
0QQitemZ7724521179QQihZ018QQcategoryZ63889QQcmdZViewItem

The Real Lilley, 6/06/2006 07:08:00 AM | link |

Saturday, June 03, 2006

Fill in the blank

http://www.torrid.com/store/product.asp?LS=0&ITEM=579082

The Real Lilley, 6/03/2006 01:03:00 AM | link |

Friday, June 02, 2006

More mad libs

http://www.torrid.com/store/product.asp?LS=0&ITEM=571587

The Real Lilley, 6/02/2006 01:03:00 AM | link |

Thursday, June 01, 2006

dmx2k08


Happy Birthday!

The Real Lilley, 6/01/2006 10:52:00 AM | link |

Don't you just LOVE Mad Libs?

http://www.torrid.com/store/product.asp?LS=0&RN=212&ITEM=516889

The Real Lilley, 6/01/2006 01:03:00 AM | link |

Tuesday, May 30, 2006

For you

Roses are red, Violets are blue, I'm using my hand, But I'm thinking of you.

The Real Lilley, 5/30/2006 01:34:00 PM | link |

I want this pin!

http://www.torrid.com/store/product.asp?LS=0&RN=212&ITEM=558223

The Real Lilley, 5/30/2006 01:04:00 AM | link |

Monday, May 29, 2006

Member5666615

Happy Birthday To You!

The Real Lilley, 5/29/2006 10:00:00 AM | link |

RooJamaca2

Hope you enjoy your special day!

The Real Lilley, 5/29/2006 10:00:00 AM | link |

Rotten day?

http://www.torrid.com/store/product.asp?LS=0&RN=212&ITEM=534745

The Real Lilley, 5/29/2006 01:03:00 AM | link |

Sunday, May 28, 2006

FW: A little golf joke

Subject: Golf Among the Great Ones



Moses and Jesus were in a threesome playing golf one day. Moses pulled up to the tee and drove a long one. The ball landed in the fairway, but rolled directly toward a water hazard. Quickly Moses raised his club, the water parted and it rolled to the other side, safe and sound.

Next, Jesus strolled up to the tee and hit a nice long one directly toward the same water hazard. It landed right in the center of the pond and kind of hovered over the water. Jesus casually walked out on the
pond and chipped the ball onto the green.

The third guy got up and randomly whacked the ball. It headed out over the fence and into oncoming traffic on a nearby street. It bounced off a truck and hit a nearby tree. From there, it bounced onto the roof of a shack close by and rolled down into the gutter, down the drain spout, out onto the fairway and straight toward the aforementioned pond.

On the way to the pond, the ball hit a stone and bounced out over the water onto a lily pad, where it rested quietly. Suddenly a very large bullfrog jumped up on a lily pad and snatched the ball into his mouth.  Just then, an eagle swooped down and grabbed the frog and flew away. As they passed over the green, the frog squealed with fright and dropped the ball, which bounced right into the cup for a hole in one.

Moses turned to Jesus and said, "I hate playing with your Dad."



The Real Lilley, 5/28/2006 09:50:00 AM | link |

FW: Another joke



 

 I Solved The Riddle!!!



A win-win situation.  Dig a moat the length of the Mexican border, take the dirt and raise the levies in New Orleans and put the Florida alligators in it.  





Any other problems you would like for me to solve?

The Real Lilley, 5/28/2006 09:49:00 AM | link |

These end today and I want them!

http://cgi.ebay.com/Red-Black-ULTIMATE-VIPER-Thigh-High-Boots-SeXy_W0QQitemZ
7768201017QQcategoryZ63889QQrdZ1QQcmdZViewItem

The Real Lilley, 5/28/2006 09:41:00 AM | link |

Play with my hair

http://www.torrid.com/store/product.asp?LS=0&RN=211&ITEM=548711

The Real Lilley, 5/28/2006 09:41:00 AM | link |

Friday, May 26, 2006

Play with my hair

http://www.torrid.com/store/product.asp?LS=0&RN=211&ITEM=541060

The Real Lilley, 5/26/2006 01:04:00 AM | link |

Thursday, May 25, 2006

Used is good enough for me

http://cgi.ebay.com/BABY-BLUE-SUMMER-SEXY-LACE-UP-BOOTS-9_W0QQitemZ776810905
3QQcategoryZ63889QQrdZ1QQcmdZViewItem

The Real Lilley, 5/25/2006 01:03:00 AM | link |

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Blue boots?

http://cgi.ebay.com/NEW-SUPER-CUTE-BLUE-CHEERLEADER-GO-GO-BOOTS-Size-9_W0QQi
temZ7767751666QQcategoryZ63889QQrdZ1QQcmdZViewItem

The Real Lilley, 5/24/2006 01:02:00 AM | link |

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

Sweet TV


Happy Birthday!

The Real Lilley, 5/23/2006 09:00:00 AM | link |

Blue boots

http://cgi.ebay.com/SOFT-BLUE-LEATHER-4-Heel-Thigh-High-Boots-Size-9_W0QQite
mZ7767582233QQcategoryZ63889QQrdZ1QQcmdZViewItem

The Real Lilley, 5/23/2006 08:59:00 AM | link |

Bring out my eyes

http://www.torrid.com/store/product.asp?LS=0&RN=213&ITEM=522587

The Real Lilley, 5/23/2006 08:59:00 AM | link |

Monday, May 22, 2006

p19soccer

Happy Birthday to you!

The Real Lilley, 5/22/2006 10:40:00 AM | link |

beautiful

http://cgi.ebay.com/5-high-heels-black-clear-stripper-women-shoes-size-9_W0Q
QitemZ7767189597QQcategoryZ63889QQrdZ1QQcmdZViewItem

The Real Lilley, 5/22/2006 10:39:00 AM | link |

Blue boots for me


http://cgi.ebay.com/Boots-Pleaser-NIB-Blue-Vinyl-Stretch-Knee-Zipper-sz-9_W0
QQitemZ7767215526QQcategoryZ63889QQrdZ1QQcmdZViewItem

The Real Lilley, 5/22/2006 10:39:00 AM | link |

Sunday, May 21, 2006

Love9690

I truly hope you enjoy your special day!

The Real Lilley, 5/21/2006 10:02:00 AM | link |

Work boots?

http://cgi.ebay.com/New-Exotic-Dancer-Boots-Black-Sexy-Mod-Boho-Stripper-9_W
0QQitemZ7767020051QQcategoryZ63889QQrdZ1QQcmdZViewItem

The Real Lilley, 5/21/2006 09:59:00 AM | link |